“You just listen to the old Pork Chop Express here now and take his advice on a dark and stormy night when the lightning’s crashin’ and the thunder’s rollin’ and the rain’s coming down in sheets thick as lead. Just remember what old Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right square in the eye and he says, “Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.”
With Wotan in the rear window and the new ITS season just a glimmer in Gutier’s eye Matt and I wanted to keep the Infinity truck rollin’ after playing roughly once a week during the online campaign, with the benefits of frequent bouts evidenced by Matt popping his cherry to win his first ITS event in Hemel Hempstead, something I take full credit for. The first Fat Yuan Yuan mission ‘Baconland’ being such a blast the decision to move onto number two was made faster than a greased pig, not least because the title of said scenario makes a lewd and gratuitous wink towards one of my all-time favourite films, Big Trouble in Little China. Just as the Chang Sing and Wing Kong gangs clashed in the movie my long-neglected Qapu Khalqi would be goin’ down in China Town with Matt’s vanilla flavoured Nomads. Winning the roll off Matt chose to take first turn, while I opted to take the side that didn’t involve me having to move.
The Men of the Gate
The Tramps of the Spaceship
Now you’re probably thinking, “Wow, that’s a lot of Camo Markers!” And you would be right. Six of the buggers. Somewhat surprising given that Matt had messaged me to say he would be taking a ‘fun’ list this time. Sadist.
Mission was a modified ‘The Armoury’ with Noodle Box Dispensers in place of Panoplies.
Nomad Turn 1
Flipping an Impetuous Order Fatty Yuan Yuan Infiltrated in, the porky pirate advancing into the cover of the metro station, slobbering over the sandwich advert plastered to its rear.
What turned out to be a Bandit Hacker opened the Objective Room doors, excreting yet another Camo Marker, just to take the piss even more.
His Bandit bro followed behind, Scavenging from the Panoply.
The Warcor’s live broadcast was brought to an abrupt and bloody end by the rampaging Bandit, who, flush with confidence after doubling his ARM, blasted both the journalist and Spitfire Odalisque with a Boarding Shotgun. Fortunately the Haris survived, shrugging off the buckshot with No Wound Incapacitation.
Qapu Khalqi Turn 1
While the rest of Haqqislam get Mutts, QK get Yuan Yuans. With the Alguacil on the right of the table looking suspiciously like a Lieutenant I decided to go balls-out, deploying my first mercenary via Inferior Combat Jump, the pirate dropping screaming from the sky before nailing his landing in the cover of the titty bar. Deciding that caution is the better part of valour his female counterpart Parachuted in behind her corpulent colleague, the enemy FYY. My own tubby terrorist could not resist the greasy smells wafting from the Lucky Panda Noodle Hut and Parachuted in behind the fast food joint.
Seeing Matt’s face drop faster than a Yuan Yuan from a space ship after passing the PH roll my suspicions about his Lieutenant were confirmed. The Zond was turned into modern art by a Chainrifle blast before the LT failed his Dodge… passing his ARM save! Fuuuuuuuuck! In return my Yuan Yuan was first Stunned and then shot by a Pistol as he stumbled back, bleeding out under the neon lights of the gentleman’s club. I took out my frustrations on Matt’s FYY with the skinny female version fat-shaming the dumpy drop-troop before Chainrifling him from behind
Impetuous Orders spent it was time to tackle the Camo-spam. Turns out an HMG in a Link Team combined with MSV2 plus a sprinkle of +3 BS is the perfect recipe [despite forgetting to add the +1 B to the mix], the Djanbazan dropping both Intruders before sending a lucky lucky Jaguar scurrying into cover after he passed ARM saves like a champ.
With orders dwindling the Djanbazan link shuffled around the balcony, the Mobile Brigada switching off his Holoprojector before the now-revealed Spitfire Hafza gunned down the Boarding Shotgun Bandit who, in a last act of defiance, dropped a… Camo Marker. This was very soon revealed to be an E/Mauler when taken to the face-plate by the Rafiq Remote, turning the the chicken-like robot into a garden ornament. At the end of Round 1 the Objective Room lay in the hands of the intergalactic itinerants, earning them their first OP.
Nomads 1 – 0 Qapu Khalqi
Nomads Turn 2
Remember that Hafza who spitroasted the Bandit with his Spitfire last turn? Unfortunately I ran out of orders before I could drop him Prone, making him a prime target for the Wildcat HRL, and, more importantly, he was standing right next to my LT in blast template range. Desperately praying that Matt would forget about him my hopes were dashed as the Wildcat launched a rocket his way. Even a Crit to the face of the Medium Infantrywoman wasn’t enough to assuage my pain as the Hafza Leuitenant was caught in the blast, suffering horrific burns. I would now be starting Turn 2 in Loss of Lieutenant. Just to rub salt into the wound the Daktari’s Zondbot successfully resuscitated the Wildcat, the Polyvalent Tactical Unit this time murderising the Spitfire Hafza.
Advancing through the Objective Room to take a bead on my TR Remote, another Camo Marker, this time a Zero, declared Surprise Shot against the plucky Shihab. Confidently responding with a Shoot ARO, I was less than pleased to discover that I would be hitting on 2s. Crit! Bahahahaha, take that Zero you sneaky twat!
Qapu Khalqi Turn 2
You get an Irregular Order, and you get an Irregular Order… mostly out of spite at my LoL state I stood the Djanbazan HMG deathbeast up, sighting on the pesky Wildcat. Needing 12s… double Crit!
The rest of my turn was spent preparing for a last turn Hail Mary to secure the Objective room, one Odalisque becoming a human minesweeper to remove the Anti-personnel Mine before becoming human paint, while the surviving Swords of Allah shuffled to gain firing lanes into the Objective Room.
The tricksy Nomads again ended the turn dominating the Objective Room, with Matt securing his Classified by administering an experimental yet obviously effective drug to the downed Wildcat.
Nomads 3 – 0 Qapu Khalqi
Nomads Turn 3
Matt began the turn by sending the Moran’s Koalas into Standby, within ZoC of my Shihab Remote. He then declared a Hacking attack with the Bandit Hacker, which I successfully Reset. With a smirk Matt informed me that my Reset ARO would trigger the nearest Koala, which bounded over to give an explosive hug to his unfortunate cousin. Clever move [bastard].
Aware that I was running low on Specialists the Moran advanced to the door of the Objective Room in an attempt to snipe out my Djanbazan Hacker, and, when that failed, my Djanbazan HMG. The Muhafiz operative unsurprisingly outrolled the puny Combi-rifle, the Moran passing all three saves against DMG 15. Going into the last turn of the game would Haqqislam be able to snatch a last gasp victory and bring home the bacon to Bourak?
Qapu Khalqi Turn 3
Remember the Yuan Yuan who had killed her body positive brethren turn 1? The mercenary advanced on the Objective Room before confidently unleashing a Chain Rifle shot into the closed confines of the building. Failing its Dodge roll the Bandit Hacker… passed its ARM save. Fuuuuuuck! The other Bandit then successfully Engaged the Yuan Yuan, also ducking the whirling ball and chains.
My new LT, the Druze Killer Hacker, Cybermasked up the board, planting D-Charges in preparation to achieve my Classified, Sabotage [no pics so trust].
Over to the Djanbazan. The Hacker advanced on the Moran, sending six Rifle shots which were either outrolled or shrugged off, the second Order bringing him in range of the Bandit Hacker who shut him down with a successful Basilisk.
Okay, the Odalisque had this. Finally bringing down the Moran with a blast from her Boarding Shotgun she turned her attentions on the Bandit Hacker. If she could send him Unconscious then I would at least prevent the Nomads from securing the Objective Room at the end of Round 3, denying Matt an additional 4 OPs. At point blank range she stitched a line of ballbearings into the wall around the Bandit, who was left unscathed, much to his [and my] surprise. The icing on the cake was the realisation that the acrobatic Moran had left me without any orders to detonate the D-Charges.
Nomads 9 – 0 Qapu Khalqi
Well, at least I gained definitive proof that Karma is a load of codswallop. The Wildcat HRL I sold to Matt at mate’s rates was reincarnated to ruin my day, and my opponent reciprocated my selflessness in sending him a link to a Nomad batrep from Guerilla Miniature Games by employing filthy tactics gleaned from said report. Ah well, back to being a nasty bastard I suppose.
I’m going to try and console myself by arguing that this was a much closer game than the final score implies. If I had managed to kill the Bandit with the Yuan Yuan’s Chainrifle at the end, or if the Moran had taken less than three orders to murder, then I might have been able to secure the Objective Room and complete my Classified, earning me a draw. Ah well, it was a great game. Adrenaline was pumping so hard at the end I was literally shaking with excitement!
Most Valuable Model for Haqq was without doubt the Djanbazan HMG. Putting it politely, like Kurt Russell this sculpt is showing its age [guess who bought all of the old sculpts just before the new ones were released? Yep…] but he got work done, knocking down Camo Marker after Camo Marker like ducks in a shooting gallery and surviving the game unscathed.